entropy
by malignantmandrake
Summary: it seems that retrieving their bodies from inside the gate brought some other unwelcome things into the elric household as well. [meant to be a one-shot, but marking as in-progress in case I find inspiration to continue.]


The first week or so after the two boys had retrieved their bodies had been spectacular- Edward had been happy to have his arm and leg back, sure, but his brother... his brother had gone so long without any of his body, and now he had it all back! He could taste his favorite foods, feel the grass tickle his toes, get dirt stuck in his fingernails, all of those little things people forgot about in their day to day lives, Alphonse had lost them for far too long, but he had them back! The elder blonde was so amazingly happy for him, he loved seeing his brother able to experience everything again.

Something changed after a few weeks, though. Edward felt a pull towards Alphonse, a notice of his brother's features that didn't seem as innocent as it should have. He could note how Alphonse had matured while his body was inside the Gate- the extra height he now had over Ed, the way his shoulders had lifted just enough to give sign that he'd been through puberty, the light fuzz of almost transluscent hair that grew on his body, the way his skin flushed on a hot day... things that made Ed's face red and stirred an uneasy feeling in his stomach. Even little things like going swimming together, Edward had to make sure not to let his eyes wander too much for fear of his affection materializing beneath his swim trunks. It was embarrassing and stupid, but what could he do about it? Wait for it to go away, he supposed. He ignored it for as long as he could manage, pretending the buzz between his ears and the pounding of his heart had nothing to do with Alphonse changing in the same room as him, convincing himself it was just a coincidence. That would only work for so long though, and, as expected, it did eventually run its course.

No longer able to deny the feelings, Edward tried to shame himself out of having them. An attraction for your own flesh and blood? He repeated to himself that it wasn't right, it was monstrous. For all those years, he'd protected his little brother. How could he protect his brother from this, though? It wasn't as if he could fight this problem away, as much as he seemed to he would have known that, logically, Al would love him even if he did find out about this, he was in too much of a frenzy to realize that. To Edward, this was something Al wouldn't look past, it was something he thought Al _shouldn't_ look past. If he couldn't hide it, he deserved whatever came to him. If he couldn't shove this dirty little secret down into the crevices of his soul, he deserved whatever punishment he got. The older of the two boys had never exactly considered himself a godly man, but this was more than just ungodly, it was downright devilish.

As time passed, the attraction grew. Edward became touchy around Alphonse, noticeably so. He was no longer the relaxed, understanding older brother; now he flinched away the moment they got too close, he siezed up when they hugged, and he downed dinner as fast as he could before doing something quiet on his own or going out (he never gave a clue as to where he was going, either.) The younger Elric would ask if everything was alright, Edward would respond, 'Yeah, why wouldn't it be?', and then be met with a nod and an understanding smile, one that seemed to portray more sadness from Al than happiness. This wasn't how things were supposed to go after they'd gotten their bodies back, they were supposed to be happy and have normal problems and fight about normal things, like how many cats they could fit in their small, two bedroom apartment or who did the dishes!

Now though, here Ed was dealing with his very non-normal problem in the best way he knew. His long, glossy hair had been loosened from its braid and was splayed out over his back and shoulders, a single sheet draped over his mostly bare skin. When he closed his eyes, the memory of when he'd caught of Al fully naked and out of the shower showed itself vividly. It was back from shortly after they'd gotten their bodies back and Al had still been gaunt and unhealthy, his hair dull and cut crudely by Edward considering the boy didn't have the strength to go out for very long yet. Still, just the fact that it was his brother, his loving, understanding, and beyond well-natured brother made him perfect, he looked just as wonderful to Edward then as he did now- which made it that much worse. Edward couldn't pass it off as a purely physical attraction brought on by how well Alphonse had matured, it was an actual attraction to his entirety, inside and out.

The image came to him almost every night now, barring him from sleep until Edward released his craving through the only method he knew how- it only got rid of physical adoration that plagued him until the next morning, it did nothing for his emotional longing, but that was at least enough to allow him sleep. So there he lay propped up on one forearm and his knees, face full of reddened embarrassment and stuffed into his pillow. His hand palmed down inside of his boxers, grasping and rubbing at the blood-hardened flesh. Every time he did this, he tried not to enjoy it. He tried desperately to just finish and pretend it hadn't happened, pretend he hadn't just gotten off to the thought of being with his brother, but imagining the taste of Al's soft lips and the way his short, round toes would curl as he asked his brother for more, it was too much not to enjoy. As always, he only allowed the weak call of Alphonse's name to slip from his mouth once, right before he lost control and emptied his lust into his underwear and let the guilt wash over him.

And, as always, he flopped down limply into his bed, berating himself until he finally found silence in his slumber, and while Al went to bed in the next room, having heard the rustling, and thinking it to be a nightmare. In Al's mind, his brother was broken. He was having nightmares, he was unable to let go of their past. That explained Edward's reclusive behavior, didn't it? What they'd gone through, what Ed had done for him, so he could have his body back, it had been too much, and now he couldn't deal with the weight. Guilt all around, it seemed, both Elric boys now resting buried in their own percieved sins.


End file.
